Social skills are something a majority of men don't have.
Even those who think they are good with people end up in dead-ends in life not knowing how they got there.
Social skills are one of the most important parts of building a successful and fulfilled life.
And it's a key part of building power in your own life.
Social skills influence all parts of our lives.
It's important in our businesses, jobs, professions, dating, and relationships.
Unfortunately, most people dont know what they are doing so their results are mediocre.
With this in mind, I want to share with you the key lessons learned from the most important communication and social skills books of all time:
Dale Carnegie was one of the pioneers of the modern personal development movement and this book is one of his masterpieces.
So let's jump into the key lessons learned from this great book:
How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Key Lessons.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People:
Don’t Criticise, Condemn or Complain.
Human beings hate to admit that they were wrong.
If you think it's a good idea to start your conversation with someone by criticizing them, condemning them, or complaining about them then you are going to lose that battle.
What usually happens is that the person being criticized become defensive, feels humiliated, and starts resenting the critic.
Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation.
Appreciating someone is one of the most powerful things you can do.
But it must be sincere.
If you see something positive in someone point it out in a positive and balanced way.
Dont go over the top and only show you an appreciation for something that has value in another human being.
That person will experience powerful positive emotions and will associate you with those feelings.
Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want.
To reach your own objectives you must first understand what other people want.
Once you understand what they want you can more easily make them align with your goals and objectives by making them feel like you are on the same page.
Remember most people whether in a buiness or professional environment will always think “What's in it for me?”
If you can find out what they want in life then you can present your case in a way that will make them feel like they are working for themselves too.
Six Ways to Make People Like You.
Become Genuinely Interested in Other People.
Build the habit of becoming genuinely interested in other people's lives.
Remember most people are focused on themselves and never get people asking questions about their lives.
When they meet someone like you who want to learn more about them everything changes for them.
They will immediately start admiring you.
You will make lifelong friendships this way.
If you try the opposite and make them focus on yourself you might find out that building friendships is hard.
So become interested in other people, but be sincere.
I'm not saying walk around like a clown all day, but what I am saying is when you meet new people smile and show kindness.
You will make the other people feel comfortable and you will seem like a happy person to other people.
Remember Their Names.
People love the sound of their own names.
If you remember people's names they will never forget you.
This is especially true in the context of many people coming in contact with each other irregularly and you still remember their names.
You will make them feel special and valued.
Be a Good Listener.
If you want to go places in life then become a great listener.
Most people can't wait to talk, so let them.
Make them feel understood and they will adore you for it.
When it comes to dating this is an invaluable skill letting women express themselves to you while you sit back and profile the person in front of you.
And in a professional environment, you will soon be admired as a leader and pillar of strength because of your ability to listen to people.
Talk in Terms of His Interests.
In your conversations figure out what their interests are and talk about that.
You want them to not only talk about themselves but also about what they find interesting.
When you allow them to talk about what they value they will value you.
Make Them Feel Important.
Figure out what you admire about them and make them feel special about it.
You can do this indirectly or directly tell them:
For example: ” I really admire how you handle the meetings in the boardroom, your leadership is going to make this company win in the long run.”
Try to be sincere about what you admire, if there is nothing rather just stick to listening.
How To Win People To Your Way of Thinking.
To Get The Best of an Argument, Avoid It.
In social situatiations no one wins an agrument.
It doesn't matter if you objectively got the better of the other person.
By creating an uncomfortable situation you will damage the social harmony and positionally lose out on other positives you could have gained from it.
Remember when choosing to argue the other person will go into a defensive attitude and feel humiliated so what have you really gained?
Social situations are no place for arguments, so avoid them as much as possible.
Show Respect For Other People's Opinions.
Avoid telling people they are wrong, dumb, or stupid.
Even if those statements are true you are still losing in social situations.
I get it, in extreme situations you might have no choice, but 99% of the time you can just ignore it and still get the most out of the social environment.
So avoid humiliating people and think bigger picture.
If You Are Wrong, Admit It.
Admit if you are wrong.
Remember, most people will never admit that they are wrong.
So if you are big enough to say you were wrong people will admire you for being an outlier.
By being willing to point out your own mistake you might get more than you expected.
But only do this if you were really in the wrong,dont do this to try and score points or you will look weak.
Begin in a Friendly Way.
Focus on starting your interactions with others in a friendly way.
Even if you walk into an emotionally charged or heated environment stay calm and start off in a friendly way.
If the other person or people decide to be hostile then that is not on you.
But if you enter with anger you will lose and gain nothing.
Focus on lowering the tension and finding solutions.
And this end depends on your friendly entry.
Controlling your emotions is strength, not weakness.
Get Them To Say “Yes” Immediately.
Do not start interactions with differences, rather focus on areas of common ground.
Don't go on the attack and tell people they are wrong from the get-go.
Rather ask questions that will lead them to say yes.
Human beings have the tendency to keep saying yes once they start doing it.
Let Them Do A Great Deal Of The Talking.
Lets other peole do most of the talking.
By talking a lot you are not looking powerful, in fact, you are showing all your cards.
Let them talk themselves into a corner.
Let them get lost in their own sense of importance.
Allow them to come to you.
All you do is steer them in the right direction.
Let Them Feel That The Idea Was Theirs.
Find a way to make other people think it was their idea.
When you allow them to think it's their idea they will feel inspired to work for it.
They will feel more invested and inspired to turn the idea into reality.
This is a lot easier route than trying to convince people to come on board with your ideas.
For example, if you are a car salesman ask the customer: “What kind of car would you like to buy?”
Let them answer.
Then provide a solution and sell them the idea that they came up with.
Try to See Things From Their Point of View.
Human beings tend to make snap judgments based on emotion.
We immediately go into the headspace of them being wrong and I'm right.
We judge people without objectively and calmly looking at the situation.
But most situations are not that black and white.
We need to understand that there is a big grey area in life.
So when it comes to people you will have a lot more success if you take a step back, take a breath and try to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Try and see things from their perspective.
Try to understand their opinion, but go even further and try to figure out why they got those opinions in the first place.
Be Sympathetic With His Ideas and Desires.
When people are in a corner they expect more arguments and confrontation.
If you walk in with a sympathetic attitude trying to understand their ideas and desires you will immediately impress them with your unusual and superior mindset.
When they expect you to come with aggression lead with compassion.
Dale Carnegie has a perfect sentence to calm things down:
“I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do.If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
Appeal To The Nobler Motives
People like to believe that the things they do are for noble reasons.
They think their actions are morally sound.
If you can make them believe in their own noble ideas then you will be able to convince them to join your ideas as part of a noble goal or vision.
Dramatize Your Ideas.
Human beings love drama and adore interesting things.
Even in older human societies and cultures, humans wanted drama and intrigue.
That is why gladiators in ancient Rome were so popular, people wanted excitement and drama.
In the modern world things are exactly the same and in many ways a lot worse.
With that in mind, you need to remember that just telling the truth is not enough, you need to spice up your ideas and make them exciting.
You need drama and a story behind your ideas.
In other words, you need to sell it and market it.
If you want people to notice you then need to stand out in a crowded world.
Throw Down a Challenge.
People love games, they love a challenge and the excitement that come with it.
If you want people to rise to excel and do what you want them to do then turn it into a game.
This might be in your personal, buiness, or professional, but create a game and create a challenge.
As soon as your ad points to something people will start feeling the need to win.
Challenge them and most people will step up.
Be a Leader: How To Change People.
Begin With Praise And Honest Appreciation.
So you are in a situation where you must criticize someone.
Whether that be at work or in your personal life.
But before you storm in and start criticizing consider another approach.
Begin with showing your honest admiration and appreciation for the things they have done in the past and then come with your constructive criticism.
With this approach, you will strengthen your team and alliances.
Call Attention to People’s Mistakes Indirectly.
Nobody enjoys being called out and embarrassed for mistakes.
This is especially true in front of other people.
It's a mistake to just go on the attack directly.
A better approach is to indirectly point out the mistakes that were made and make them aware of where they went wrong.
This way of pointing out mistakes will hold your team together and strengthen trust.
They will admire you as a leader and not despise you.
Talk About Your Own Mistakes Before Criticizing Him.
Another powerful way of pointing out mistakes Dale Carnegie talks about is to start talking about your own mistakes first and then leading to others' mistakes.
This will make you seem like one of the guys and they will be able to associate with you on a personal level.
If you give people the impression in your team that you too are imperfect they will accept you and not reject you.
Ask Questions Instead of Giving Direct Orders.
Socrates was the original master of using questions to get to the truth.
And when it comes to leadership giving orders is not the most effective way to get things done.
Asking questions and making suggestions is a way of making people feel understood and not looked down upon.
This will boost their confidence and make them work harder.
Let the Other People Save Face.
People will feel insulted if you embarrass them in public and that might come back to haunt you.
Even if they deserve to get more punishment give them an opportunity to save face by giving them a soft landing.
For example, if you have to fire someone for being not good enough tell them:
“At the moment you need to make some changes at the company and we can't afford to keep you on”.
This is still unpleasant but you didn't embarrass them and create resentment.
In a time when people use social media to vent their grievances, this indirect approach will save you a lot of drama.
Praise Every Improvement.
If you want to be admired as a leader and want your people to work hard for you then point out their good work.
Make time to let your team know about the good things they did.
Be honest and tell them you are noticing the great work they do and be specific.
People love to get praise and when their boss gives that praise the effect is very powerful.
Pointing out the improvements will build your team like nothing else.
You want to build a team that will go to war for you, and this is a great way to do it.
Give Him a Fine Reputation to Live Up To.
If you create great reputations for people in your team they will try and live up to those reputations.
“This is John our logistics manager. He has a reputation in this company for being the man that gets things done.”
People will live up to the stories about themselves that they believe to be true.
Use this powerful part of human psychology to get the most out of the people that work for you.
This is also a powerful way to inspire people in your private life that is underappreciated by pointing out their reputations.
“Mike, everyone in our community knows that you are someone they can depend on when things go bad.”
This will inspire Mike to live up to this noble ideal about himself.
Encourage. Make The Fault Seem Easy to Correct.
Encourage people and when they make mistakes make it seem like a small thing that can be fixed and overcome.
If you dont encourage and just use fear and punishment you will fail.
Instead, use encouragement and motivate them by making them feel the obstacles are easy for them to overcome.
Build up their egos so that they start believing they can do incredible things.
Make Him Happy About Doing What You Suggest.
Frame your desires as their desires.
Make them believe that what you want them to do is actually what they desire.
“Guys we have reached a critical point in this project and I know it's something you have worked hard towards and it's something that you desire to achieve. Understand that I feel the same and we will reach this goal together. Your unique skills are what makes all this possible and that only the group standing here in front of me will be able to pull this off.”
By telling them this you will fill them with pride and a will to win.
Ok guys these have been my lessons learned from the great book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
I suggest you experiment with some of these guidelines and see where you notice improvements.
I have gotten a lot of value from this book and I know that if you incorporate some of these rules in your life you will see the same positive effects I did.
Until next time…